Tuesday's Thoughts On The Daf - Nedarim 66

I have often heard the following (paraphrased) statement attributed to Rabbi Mordechai Willig - if a couple has problems before they get married, the issues will be keenly examined with an eye towards breaking the engagement. If the couple has problems after the marriage the issues will be worked on with a view of trying to resolve them and keep the family together. [Editorial note - maybe if I had a better attendance record during the year that Rabbi Willig discussed "The River, the Kettle and the Bird" I might have a better recollection/formulation of the thought].

This general concept manifests itself in the Chumash in the discussion of Sotah. If a woman is suspected of adultery, the Cohain would take a scroll upon which the biblical portion of Sotah was written and then erase it by dipping it in water. The process would be completed by giving the "potential" Sotah the water to drink. If she was innocent of the suspected charges the water would cause no harmful result, whereas if she was guilty she would suffer an agonizing death. For more on the Sotah process, see R' Mordechai Torczyner's discussion at http://www.webshas.org/baisdin/powers/sotah.htm.

The concept of erasing the portion which contains Hashem's name is counter intuitive. Many commentators ask how we can destroy Hashem's name in written form to resolve a "suspected" case of Sotah. The answer that is we are permitted to do so in the name of Shalom Bayit -keeping the household or family peace. Since the water may prove that the wife was wrongly suspected, Hashem allows his honor to be diminished (by the erasing of his name) in order to promote the family peace.

This concept plays itself out in yesterday's daf (Nedarim 66b). There is a story about a husband who wants to spite his wife and makes an oath that his wife is to receive no benefit from him, unless and until she makes food for certain Rabbis. The Rosh explains that this oath dishonors the Rabbis who obviously have no connection with the couple. When she had finished cooking the food she brought it to Rabbi Yehuda who tasted the dish. When asked why he did so, Rabbi Yehuda remarked that if Hashem is willing to allow His name to be erased to make peace between a man and his wife, a fortiori I cannot stand on ceremony and must taste the food, even though it was an affront to my honor.

We probably can find ourselves in similar (but less severe) situations where keeping our mouth shut may promote peace in our home or someone else's household. The lesson of the Daf is that we should forgo our honor if we can assist the marriage in the process.